Sunday, February 28, 2016

Wishful thinking

 I have been thinking a lot about whether or not to write about this. It makes me feel selfish and guilty and ungrateful. But I can't  be the only one going through this and I am putting it out there because we should be able to talk about the things that no one dares or wants to talk about. Not at baby groups, not at birthday parties, not with other moms, or even with friends. You never know what other people might be going through, it is so difficult to share without accidentally hurting someone. 

We would like to have another baby. I am longing so, so hard to be pregnant again. It is becoming  very difficult to bear, so much it hurts. Scenario number 1: we go to a kids' party and I can't help but notice all the moms with kids Y.'s age are either pregnant or already have a second little one. This also applies to most of the people we know who had a baby at about the same time or even after we did.  Scenario number 2: we go for a stroll to the dunes/woods/the park/a playground and stumble upon plenty of families with more than 1 kid, with an age difference that does not seem higher than 2 years. Scenario number 3: people start discussing post-baby birth-control methods at a Facebook's mom group and suddenly we are not talking about birth control at all. I find myself reading stories about how someone knows at least 5 people who got pregnant while using an IUD and how somebody else's best friend got pregnant while her husband had already had a vasectomy (!!). It is impossible not to feel alienated in face of such an "innocent" conversation, where women are just sharing their experiences about accidentally getting pregnant while trying hard to avoid it. Ah, but you are not like those women. In fact it never occurred to us to even use any form of birth control (other than condoms, for the first 6 months, to allow healing) since the baby was born. We night weaned the baby, we have been tracking my ovulation, and know it is happening, and yet nothing.  We hear of surprise pregnancies and of people conceiving (seemingly) with ease (normal I guess, when there are many parents in our social circle) and I can't help but feeling like an outcast, with no one to talk about it.

We are back where we started, facing again that old witch, infertility. The bitch. She did not really go away. And yet we know we have been blessed. Oh, how much. Even as I write this I feel like I should not be having these feelings at all because our miracle was granted. I am grateful every single day and I feel almost bad, greedy for dreaming of more. And yet we pray and hope and continue to delude ourselves into thinking that it might just happen
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